The Value of Chemistry
Main Entry: chem·is·try
Inflected Form(s): plural -tries
1 : a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy <they have a
Are you questioning the validity of chemistry and it's value to your next
potential relationship? Do you believe that you cannot have a successful
long term, physical/sexual/emotional relationship with a person with whom
you have NO chemistry?
Well a lot of us are asking these questions, and we want to know what it
is about this dynamic that is so incredibly powerful and important to our
achieving what we wish to achieve, with our personal ads that might
attract the love of our life!
As we all know, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you finally find
your prince(ss) especially with online dating as your ticket to the vast
and never ending supply of opportunities. Online dating makes this
abundantly clear, as we pick through the personal ads, trying our best to
weed out what options are available to us from this venue.
But one of the things that make many successful in their abilities to
reach out and grab someone to actually take the action to respond, is
chemistry. While you might feel a strong synergy while reading the words
the person has written, the bottom line to knowing if you are romantically
cohesive all boils down to meeting face to face, and experiencing the
energetic attraction you have or not.
We usually know within seconds of meeting someone, if we are romantically
and/or sexually attracted. Personally, I can't be romantically involved
with someone with whom my energy is not in sync The initial
person-to-person contact is what generates this chemistry (no matter what
has transpired beforehand) and is what propels us to or repels us from
wanting to share more time with this person, to see if
we might have what it takes to progress into some sort of romance.
It doesn't seem to matter that they meet all the criteria we set out to
find, if we don't have that magical connection. How many times have you
heard, "We just don't have any chemistry." Often, it only works one way,
where the man is attracted but the woman is not or vice versa. What is it
about chemistry that is so illusive? And, we all know, it has nothing
whatsoever to do with good looks, material well-being, or many of the
other things that we state in our ads that are minimum requirements to
attract Mr. or Ms. Right!
We each have a certain "look" that we are naturally attracted to; certain
race(s), age group(s), body size(s) or hair color(s). Many times if the
person does not fall within these perimeters, it simply doesn't matter how
wonderful they are, how rich they are, how talented they are, or what size
appendages they have. If they don't pass the acid test of chemical
attraction, they are rejected altogether.
And there are so many other factors involved that could make or break the
deal. What if he wears an aftershave or cologne that reminds you of
someone in the past that you were hurt by, or what if she has an obnoxious
laugh that embarrasses you, or what if they have a nervous twitch or looks
at every backside that meanders by? All of these things can be a factor,
when we determine our basic attraction. There is no one thing that we can
pinpoint when we have made our determination.
But for me, going with my initial gut instinct is usually the winning
So what do you do if you find a person who, for all intents and purposes,
matches all of your criteria, but you don't feel the chemistry with? Well,
I don't think there is anything you can do except move on to the next. If
you don't find someone who triggers that brain chemical in you that makes
you feel "special" when you
think of them, or are with them, what is the point?
I think that, in the long run, your initial instincts about this person
not being a match, was the best gift the universe could give you. So if
someone has rejected you because of lack of chemistry, thank the gods for
this, because it's a clue that they weren't meant for you!
Too many times we create in our minds, a scenario of perfection before we
even meet face to face. Chatting online, perhaps on the phone, or seeing
them on a web cam helps to bring things into perspective but as I have
mentioned in my other articles, this "nebulous zone" as I have called it,
gets us into serious trouble, not to mention the pain caused to the other
person when after meeting, there is no chemistry, and
we have to back peddle, lie or otherwise get out of what we thought was
going to be a torrid romance.
We must offer a disclaimer saying that our meeting in person is to be the
determining factor, so that we offer an "out," in case the chemistry just
The flip side of this chemistry thing is also an enigma to me. Just
because you find someone with chemistry, does not mean that you two can
live out a long-term relationship in harmony and bliss! Those people on
the personal ads sites who have experienced one or more failed
relationships, and are hopefully seeking their last
hurrah, are well aware of this "chemistry" dynamic.
You know that for sure and for certain you had wonderful chemistry with
every person you have given your heart to in the past, but now you might
be wondering how important having chemistry actually is. How long into the
relationship does the chemistry factor remain criteria for maintaining the
I offer a solution to this query. I think chemistry is indeed a gauge for
our psyches to give us the signal we need, in our hearts, to go forward
with this person if all the other criteria comes close to being met, as we
need it to do. I don't think that we can have a heart-connected romance
with a person with whom we have no chemistry. I don't think we can allow
ourselves to get emotionally involved with someone who is not
energetically symbiotic. Whereas we can engage in non-emotional physical
sexual relationships without chemistry involved, I think emotional sex
I further suggest that, once we have made the choice to love the person,
embellish this. The brain produces chemicals, which have a lot of clinical
names, but mean that we "feel" a certain way when something happens to us.
When you are attuned to another person's energy chemically, your brain
emits a chemical like serotonin, which boosts your feeling of well being.
When you find someone who can
produce this feeling in you, you positively glow with joy.
If you can see chemistry as a gauge to help you determine whether to give
your heart, and then maintain awareness of it as you gasp in delight when
you think about your chosen one, realizing that it brings a smile to your
face, and a stirring in your groin, you will appreciate the power and
necessity of chemistry as being a very valuable dynamic to determining and
maintaining the success of your romantic well being.
© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.
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